In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!