This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals