Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.