Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
english majors be like furthermore
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Pot warmers of the day.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?