Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Geez man, take it easy.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.