What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away