I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!