You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
this is 10/10 content no notes
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.