brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
You Might Also Like
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!