Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.