Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
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Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit