*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
You Might Also Like
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here