[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
A roof is a house hat.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names