And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
the short answer to this question
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???