If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
They’re on their honeymoon
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.