everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.