But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.