My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
brian had himself a morning…
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.