Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Lucky old June.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain