torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
🤣
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.