So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
All right stop, coagulate and thicken