I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
if a cop pulls u over play dead