[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.