The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.