One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat