Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.