Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
You Might Also Like
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
one last job
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
The prophecy is fulfilled