Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
*seductively peels off lederhosen