You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
School be like
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.