I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
A little too much information.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”