A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT