My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son