What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
You Might Also Like
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap