Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
New menu item
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.