My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.