After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
True.