When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.