What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
When I pack too much for a short trip.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Uh oh…
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.