Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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and this one
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
couldn’t resist
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do