me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!