To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
quarantine day 3
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah