‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg