SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.