[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’