“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music