Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.