Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss