I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
When someone says you are so lazy
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.