[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something