I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
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Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?